Journal Entry #1: Lost

Have you ever felt like you don’t really know what to do with your life? Like you know that you can just about choose anything and your parents would support you but still you don’t know what to choose. Maybe excess choice is bad, too much freedom is bad. Others tell me that I don’t really have a problem, they think I’m making it all up. I mean, other people my age are having problems with parents who wanted to control every aspect of their lives such as what job they should take, who should the go out with… etc…

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But me, I’m… lost. I would be glad for a bit of direction , someone who will tell me that this or that should be the path I take. I know it sounds weird and pathetic but that’s how I feel.

“The problem with you, kiddo, is that you’re a spoiled brat who has not seen the world.” This is a direct quote from my father, Gardner Shae.

I think Dad is right, I never lack for anything, I never had to ask for anything nor work for anything before. I’m completely dependent on my parents. I guess, in a way it made me unprepared and ill-equipped to face the real world. I don’t have skills that I could use, I’m an average student and average in everything else.

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Being average sucks, especially if your Mom is a well-known talented musician and painter.  Growing up, people were always expecting something great from me.

“You’re Acacia Robinson’s daughter? Wow, you must be a great painter.”

“Do you play instruments like your Mom? Man, she’s amazing.”

“You must have a good voice too like Ms. Acacia.”

It’s good to know that people appreciates my Mom’s talent despite of the fact that she rarely goes out in public because of her social phobia but it is hard  to live in your parent’s shadow or anyone’s shadow for that matter. After people realized that I’m not special, that I don’t have any of my Mom’s talents, they stop hanging out with me.

“Oh, it’s just that girl.” People would say and then they would ignore me. Sometimes, I wish I have a normal background, like normal married parents and siblings. Well, I do have siblings but they’re all half siblings, my father’s children with different women.

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“I either fight people or fuck them, kid.” My father, a self-professed stud told me once. I guess in a way, I’m unique. Maybe I’m the only one whose father talk to this way, well, me and my siblings anyway.

Dad tends to be honest, well at least most of the time. Sometimes, it’s great, others not so. I think I’m the only girl who knows that she’s not special at the young age of 8.

“You’re not special, kid. Keep that in mind, you’re just like other people so don’t you go putting on airs and graces because you were luckier than most.”

Maybe Dad had seen then that I don’t have talent or charm and I’m not beautiful enough to get royal treatment from anyone, maybe he was trying to prepare me for the world and how it’s going to treat me.

No, I’m not special. I’m not good at anything. I am… me and right now, I don’t know what to do. This is far too late, I sound like a teenager when I’m already 21, I’m supposed to have a nice job and planning the rest of my life.  But here I am, Jaliya Robinson, 21 years of age and totally clueless about life. Yes, this is what this journal is all about and if you don’t want to read about my journey to self-discovery then just kindly close it and leave it as it is.

(And wait a minute, why the hell are you reading a PRIVATE journal!?)

 

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